Today, we are joined by Dawn Runyon of Green Dot Lexington. Dawn is a knowledgeable and engaging speaker and her passion for people comes through as she leads trainings and workshops for both adults and youth throughout Kentucky. A graduate of the University of Kentucky with a degree in Integrated Strategic Communications, wife of 25 years, and mother of two boys, Dawn—like many of today’s women—wears many hats. She is an author, Christian Life Coach, motivational speaker, mentor, and marriage and family group ministry leader.
Melanie Day:
All right, so I'm so excited. This is your favorite stylist. This is Melanie Day with, you've got Curls and Hair Loss Center, and have a very special guest. Today we have Ms. Dawn Runyon. She is the coordinator for Green Dot Lexington and located here in Lexington, Kentucky. She's also an inspirational speaker and life coach. And today's topic that we're gonna be talking about is domestic violence, signs of abuse and abusive relationships. So, Dawn, I'm so happy to have you. How are you doing today?
Dawn Runyon:
I'm great, Melanie, and thank you so much for having me here today. I'm excited.
Melanie Day:
Yes. So this is you know, this is something that domestic violence is a really touchy issue, I think, for a lot of people, and it's, it's kind of sensitive. So I wanted to kind of jump right into things, but tell us a little bit more about your background with Green Dot Dawn's Light and the services that you offer.
Dawn Runyon:
Great. So, I come from, or come to this work really just through my own personal life experiences. I was raised by a single teen mom and we were experiencing domestic violence and the relationships that she was in. I endured a number of years of childhood sexual abuse, and that led to, you know, as it would me being a promiscuous teen and then getting involved in very unhealthy relationships, as well as even marrying into a relationship where domestic violence was occurring. And so I dealt with that for a number of years as an adult, just trying to, you know, not even recognizing that that's what I had actually gone through. Just knowing that I had had these adverse experiences in life, that <laugh> had created a monster in me in a, in a sense, and not knowing myself and not loving myself.
Dawn Runyon:
But through it all, that's always been a thread of working with young women and women of all ages actually, and having them come and speak with me about their pains and tho their hurts. And I really wanted to find a way to be able to connect with them, but also help them just empower them to be able to move past those issues in their life, because I felt like I had been blessed to be able to come through those things in my life and, and still pursue the type of life that I wanted for myself. So I came to the city of Lexington about three years ago because they were looking for someone to implement a domestic and sexual violence prevention program for the city, particularly in the African American community. And that program was a Green Dot, which is a national evidence-based intervention program that really invites the everyday person to reconsider their own personal role in how they can help to end domestic and sexual violence in our communities.
Dawn Runyon:
And so that spoke to me because I came, I, I am 35 plus years past my domestic violence relationship, and I am here today because of a bystander, actually someone who saw my situation, didn't think it was normal like I did, and made a choice to step in and choose safety for me. And that changed my life even though I didn't recognize it as greatly at that time I can now see that she was instrumental and she made a choice when I didn't know I had a choice to make for my own safety. And so Green Dot really resonated with me, and I wanted to be able to have some kind of voice and have some action around how I could help other people who may be in the same experience and situation that I was. So, I, that's what I do with Green Dot, but also as Don's light as a coach and speaker, I'm always trying to speak truth to that.
Dawn Runyon:
I think there's that 13 year old girl who exists in every last one of us who is at the precipice, precipice of making probably one of the most monumental decisions in our life. For me it was to engage in sexual activity, or not to give myself to the, the boys as a way to validate who I was as a person. That was the thought process that I had at that time. And I wanna reach that, that young lady, but also the 50, 60, 70 year old woman who either made that sort of a choice or something different that has led them to make choices over the past 20, 30, 40 years that have kept them from living out their full potential.
Melanie Day:
Wow. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. And I'm, I'm happy that you had someone that you didn't know step in intercede for you. So I wanna, I wanna talk about the importance of being a bystander, because I think in today's culture now a lot of us see things and it's just like, you know what? That's not my business. I'm just gonna let it be, you know, I'm gonna keep my head down and keep it moving and pray that they're okay. But can you tell us more about Green Dot? And if a person wants to be a bystander, like how does that work?
Dawn Runyon:
Right. So, thank you. Yeah. green Dot again national program, it actually started in the city of Lexington at the University of Kentucky, like early two thousands. And now, okay, it's national and even international. Yeah, Dr. Dorothy Edwards. It's okay. She was studying, you know, violence intervention and prevention and domestic and sexual violence and, and came up with this great program. And again, it's, it's all about, it's kind of a grassroots way of, you know, just each individual person making a decision to allow that situation they see to be a part of their responsibility. Right? And, and, and we're not asking everyone to take on the ultimate responsibility because some people have different views and, and beliefs about what is and what isn't. But at the end of the day, recognizing that someone's safety may depend on us, and in that moment, just being a human, <laugh> being a good human, what is a choice that we can make to try and help that person be safe, as well as ensure our own safety?
Dawn Runyon:
So the bystander approach with green.is simple. We don't, it, it doesn't force you to do anything that you wouldn't normally do. It just provides opportunity for you to think about how you could do something in that moment. I think most people walk away from situations, as you said, none of my business, I'm gonna keep my head down and keep it moving. But then you walk away and you're thinking, oh man, I hope they're okay. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, I should have done something. I don't, what was I gonna do though? You know, we, we, we, we all have that kind of in internal dialogue. I should have done something or I don't know, I didn't wanna get hurt. We call those barriers, right? Those are the things that come up when you see that alarming situation that won't allow you to kind of step into that moment because you're thinking about your own personal safety first, right?
Dawn Runyon:
I don't want them retaliating on me. I don't want that anger directed towards me, right? You're, you're thinking about bringing shame and to the community. I don't wanna step in, oh, I know, I know Leroy, so I better not say anything because Leroy's connected my family, this and that, right? So we though all those barriers or what if I get it wrong? I don't know. Maybe they just playing. Maybe that's just how they doing their relationship, right? I don't wanna get in it. That's not my business, right? All of those things. And like myself, I think un the thing that undergirds all of that is that whole, we don't, we don't discuss how business in the street. I'm not airing my dirty laundry out here. I'm not telling nobody what goes on. And while there is a lot of protective measures in that ideal, right?
Dawn Runyon:
Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> as a culture, we've had to develop ways to survive mm-hmm. <Affirmative>. So there's protective instances where we don't air our dirty laundry. You know, I think about growing up when we were living with different fam, family members in order to survive fleeing from domestic violence and, and just my young mother trying to finish school and trying to create a life for us. Well, you know, we was living up in an apartment where there was only two people on the lease, but it was like five and six of us in that apartment, and we needed a place to stay. So, no, I couldn't be out in the street talking about who all lives in the house, right? Cause you know, the systems that were in place just were not gonna allow us to be able to thrive in that environment. But what I heard, what I understood from don't be telling our business was I couldn't tell anybody what was happening to me in a home when I started to experience childhood sexual abuse.
Dawn Runyon:
No one told me I couldn't talk about that. But that umbrella of, we don't talk about our business, we don't tell nobody what goes on in this house silenced me. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. And so there are a lot of people that are living in that silence now. So GreenDot kind of addresses that. It helps recognize that barrier. It helps us to identify what are the signs, what might we see that would let us know that someone might be in harm's way of either a domestic violence, dating, violence, even child abuse or, or sexual violence. So we, we, we spend time in our trainings discussing what those signs are, what to look for and people develop those answers themselves. Green Dot doesn't tell you what those answers are. It helps you to think and brainstorm like, you know what? This would make me feel uncomfortable if I saw this situation.
Dawn Runyon:
I would probably think something's going on. Right? And so once you recognize that what we call a red dot, yeah. That harmful behavior is a red dot. Then we give you ways of how to respond a green dot. What is an equal and opposite reaction to what you're seeing? A green dot a very simple small thing. Nothing over the top mm-hmm. <Affirmative>. We're not saying to confront someone that is irate and angry with that same energy, <laugh> we're saying, right? These tools, we call the three Ds direct delegate or distract. And we teach you kinda what, what it looks like to do something direct. What does it look like to delegate? Who do you delegate to helping people to brainstorm and think about who are people, safe people in our community that we could delegate to, to bring into this situation? Who might be better equipped to address it, to address the problem?
Dawn Runyon:
Maybe, you know, we know Big Lou, big Lou live down the street. Everybody listen to Big Lou. If Big Lou say, brother, you don't talk to your woman like that. They're gonna listen to Big Lou, right? So let me get Big Lou involved. Right? Right. Or, you know, let me talk with my minister at church. Maybe we need to have some conversations on domestic violence in the church because it's happening, but no one's talking about it. And if the minister starts talking about it, then people will know it's safe that they can talk about it too. Right. So delegate and then distract could be as simple as, you know, anything pretending like you you found something that belongs to somebody in a parking lot. Oh my God. Did you just drop this? I'm so sorry. I think it fell out. Your bag. I'm sorry, just to interrupt the conversation.
Dawn Runyon:
Sure. Argument that might be going on to give people in that moment, space and time to either calm down or to realize like, oh, wait a minute, I'm up here acting crazy in the middle of the parking lot. Let me get myself together. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, or possibly to give an intended victim an opportunity to get away, to ask for help, or to at least leave a situation where they were being targeted in that moment. So I love Green Dot because it has implication for any type of situation, right? Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, you can use those kind of tools in any kind of confrontational situation. But they are also very simple tools and ways to intervene in a moment of domestic, domestic and sexual violence. Right. In our community, right in our home. Kids can do it, adults can do it, anybody can do it, right? It just gives people the permission to do so.
Melanie Day:
That's good. So I wanted to pivot or not pi not pivot, but piggyback off what you were saying earlier as far as the science of abuse, because a lot of people may not know, or they might be like, you know what, that's no big deal. A person kind of like, cut me down. It's no big deal that that's just, that's just them. Or a person being like always checking up on me like, they really love me. No. So what are some signs of abuse that you can share with the audience with us?
Dawn Runyon:
Well, it's great that you, you, you know, approached it in that way, right? That idea of, oh, that's just how they are. That person, that's just them. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. We have normalized some extremely toxic behaviors in our dating relationships, even in our friendships. It can be girlfriend to girlfriend. And I got a girlfriend who was always cutting me down, but I'm like, that's just her. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, but I'm stressed when I'm around her. I like, I have an is like, that's not healthy, right? And so we take those type of relationships and then we use the same measure in our dating relationships, in our marriages that we pursue. So I think it's important for us just to understand how much of the things that we've taken in either through media through, you know, u unfortunate poor or ignorant, and I hate to use that word.
Dawn Runyon:
I don't want it to sound as negative as I mean, but you understand ignorance, just not knowing, right? Not having the kind of instruction that we needed growing up to, to know what's healthy and what's unhealthy in our relationships. So the thing with domestic, especially domestic and dating violence, when it talk, when, when we're talking about the signs, what is so unfortunate is oftentimes the signs of an unhealthy relationship mimic the signs of a healthy relationship. It's just about timing and consistency. Domestic and sexual violence are patterns of behavior. They're not one-offs. They're not situations where someone's putting you down, they cut you down, and you are able to say to them, Hey, you know, when you say A and b that makes me feel this way, and that person is, is recognizes and realizes and goes, oh, you know, I hadn't even thought about it like that.
Dawn Runyon:
I, I've always said that kind of stuff. I never thought about it. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, I appreciate you telling me that that's not gonna happen again. And you move on mm-hmm. <Affirmative>, and, and it doesn't come back up. But it's when you say to someone, Hey, you know, when you say this to me, it makes me feel this way. And their thing is, are you being sensitive? Like, that's not even what I meant. Like you just, you blowing stuff outta proportion and they just move past it. They don't validate that. And then those types of conversations continue to happen. So it's that pattern that someone uses to exhibit control over you. That's, I mean, that's the whole issue with domestic and dating violence. What are they saying and doing, and why are they saying it and doing it? If they're using behaviors, if they're using conversations, if they're using their words or finances or emotional manipulation in order to keep you in a relationship mm-hmm. <Affirmative>
Dawn Runyon:
Or prevent you from having other relationships, if they're using it in a way to make you dependent upon them or using it so that you see them in a better light and feel that you, you owe them something that's coercion, that's abusive, that's control. And that's what's really going on. So for instance I always tell people I've been married like 28 years now, and so in, in my congratulations, <laugh>, thank you. Cause you know, you're not, we're not gonna let that just slide by. That's, that's a big deal. Congratulations to both of you. It is, thank you. Thank, and this is a second marriage. So like, woo. You know when I was young and didn't, like my mom said young, dumb, and didn't know none, <laugh>, that was her old slogan. When I was in that part, I was in a relationship that wasn't healthy.
Dawn Runyon:
In this marriage. We made decisions together. You know what? We're not gonna spend a certain amount of money without talking to the other person that's healthy. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. So if I'm hanging out with my girlfriends, especially in the early days, my girlfriend was like, Ooh, let's go out. We're gonna go to this place. Let's buy this outfit. Let's get this purse and let's, you know, let's go to Vegas for the weekend. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Well, I couldn't just be like, oh yeah, good, let's go. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, I would say, you know, Ooh, I, I like that. Lemme talk to my man, see what I can do. You know, I could let him know. So I'm like, honey, boom, boom, boom. This is coming on. I'd like to go and we would make a decision together. That's healthy. That's not a problem. Yeah. That's respect. Yep. However, on the flip side, when I'm in an unhealthy relationship, that conversation may sound very different.
Dawn Runyon:
Mm-Hmm. Or maybe I don't give all the background. It's just never like, oh, I can't ever pay for her lunch. Dawn can't ever hang out with the girls. Like, what's the issue? Anytime we say let's do this or that, she's like, mm, yeah, I don't know about that. That that probably wouldn't work. I don't know if he, you know, he might not want me to do that, or Mm. I don't know. You know, I can't really afford that. It's okay if you can't afford it, but like, she can't ever afford it. What's going on? Like, that's a pattern. What's going on? So we just kind of key in into the tone. The, the reasons someone gives. They're like, oh girl, your man don't never let you go nowhere. He just love me. He don't want me to be out here by myself like that.
Dawn Runyon:
You know what I'm saying? He just like to spend time with me. Right. You're okay, but you are your own person too. Right. So it should be okay for you to spend time. But when we're, when we're thinking that that attention that that other person is giving us is coming from a place of love, we believe, like he just want all my time. He just like to spend time with me. And you see that right? In a healthy relationship in the very beginning. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, they always together like, dang girl over y'all together all the time. Let each other breathe. And I remember people saying that to me. Even my hu my current husband in our early days, like, y'all always together. And I'm like, yes, we like each other. We wanna be together, but we like each other. We like each other, but it can cross, right?
Dawn Runyon:
Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, it can cross a boundary. It can cross into a space where it's unhealthy. Because now I can't, you know, maybe I don't, I can't go anywhere by myself. Or even when I don't want him to be there, he shows up or I'm out with my girlfriends and next thing I know, he, he is at the bar. I'm like, oh, how'd you even know I was at the bar? <Laugh>? Mm-hmm. <Affirmative>. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Somehow he knows and he asked to, you know, he asks questions all the time. So these are, I mean, what's healthy, what's unhealthy? Sometimes they're very clear and then at other times they're not. They can cross over. I think what is important to recognize is how is the the person with less power? I would say that the person with less power in that relationship, how do they feel about those, those instances?
Dawn Runyon:
If they feel talked down to, and maybe again, not recognizing it because they grew up being talked down to all the time, right. But if as a friend we can say like, wow, like he always says that about you and you're not lazy. Why is he always talking about you lazy? Cause you didn't do so and so you got three kids. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, you're tired, <laugh>, but you're not lazy. We have that conversation and then it gives that person the opportunity to think, well, you know, he would just say that, cuz I don't ever do, you know, we do. Are they making excuses about what this person is saying about them or to them? Right. I think we also, usually when someone talks about the violence, we see the physical and that that's what we focus on. We focus on the physical. You being a, a hairdresser, working with clients, sitting in your chair, you are definitely positioned to see a lot the physical.
Dawn Runyon:
Yeah. Yeah. So you might see the bruises, you might see the wounds. You might notice the person that's talking about neck strain or the, you know, sore muscles, like what's going on. And they're just, ah, nothing, you know, they may not, they may make an excuse about it or whatever, but the physical weak can, we can generally see and we will make a determination based on that. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, but domestic violence goes so much further and it's even worse the less you see. If that makes sense. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. Right. The psychological 100%. The psychological, yeah. The mind games. We, we have the term gaslighting, you know, it's been around since what, like 1943 I think. But we're using it a lot more now and just coming to understanding of how, how impactful that is mm-hmm. <Affirmative> to be in a relationship with someone that at the end of the day, you're questioning what you know to be true. You question your own ideas, you question your
Melanie Day:
Own. Can we talk about that? Because I think that that's something just in my realm as being behind the chair over the years from 17 years, I've seen conversations that I've had with, with, with women or just observation. So I guess my question is, is that you see a person that's, that's in a situation or you may know of a situation or they may tell you things, but then when you confront the, the vi, I don't wanna say confront, but when you ask the friend or the victim about certain things, the script changes and then they defend, they defend, you know, the abuser. So can you explain like why that happens? And even though like you have all, like all these things, these receipts of everything, like can you explain like why that happens?
Dawn Runyon:
You know, I, it, it probably is above my pay grade <laugh>. Gotcha. Get into I got you. But, you know. Right. But just on a, on a core level, so I don't know if you're familiar and your, your listeners and your viewers are familiar with a power and control will that is a tool that's used to kind of explain how domestic violence, sexual violence continues, how it works. Basically you have this wheel with an inner wheel on the outside wheel is what we see. It's the physical violence, the, the physical abuses that a person uses to main control, to maintain control over someone. And in the center of that will are the different tools, the different spokes that they use to keep the wheels spinning. And that's where you get into the psychological, the emotional, the financial it's almost, you know, a Stockholm syndrome or such mm-hmm. <Affirmative>
Dawn Runyon:
Where it's a person, you know, a certain amount of pressure applied over a course of time can create a lot of stuff, right? Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. So you're thinking about ideas, terminology responses applied consistently over time to someone, it slowly convinces a person of a different idea. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> a different idea than what either they were brought up to believe or maybe it reinforces the idea that they saw played out in their family. Right. Domestic and sexual violence, any type of violence, this stuff is generational. Like we've been dealing with this since day one. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And in, in the black community, we've been dealing with all of the extreme, the external violences violations to us that, that undergird and, and, and help us to normalize domestic and sexual violence. You know, when, when sexual violence is forced upon you in slavery and it continues throughout the rest of your life.
Dawn Runyon:
Well, when your husband starts to apply that same pressure, well, okay, that's, that's always been, that's what happens. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. So the psychological side of domestic violence is just that women or men, and I wanna be clear, domestic and sexual violence can happen to anyone, by anyone. It is not just a women's issue. It truly is a man's issue because it, it's men needing to stand up and say, you know what? This isn't appropriate. This isn't right for me or you to treat someone this way. So it's, it's their issue too. But it's also an issue where men and people in same sex, heterosexual, whatever, it happens to us all. So I wanna be clear that we don't just focus on the fact that it's a man to woman, but it's about power and control. So regardless of the relationship, there is someone in that relationship who has more influence or more again, just a control in the situation.
Dawn Runyon:
Maybe they are the primary breadwinner, or if you're in a relationship with someone who y your livelihood kind of depends on their financial prowess and they continue to remind you, they continue to prove to you over and over again that you are not either of value or you have nothing outside of what they provide you. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, then you fall into this situation where psychologically you're not able to see your way to something different. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. I think in domestic violence relationships you might see oftentimes where it starts out where, and I will just use men and women, cuz of course that's our, you know, where we kind of come from mm-hmm. <Affirmative> seeing it happen a lot easier, where you see a man who, he employs all these gifts. He, he's providing for basic necessities early in the relationship. You know, the woman's like, wow, you know, we have a in, we are inherently designed to want provision.
Dawn Runyon:
Right. The, the female in the animal kingdom, the human kingdom, it's the same thing. The women need that provider and the male wants a woman who can create a family. So those are just genetic things that we're kind of in tune to. So when you start dating someone and they're providing, you know, they, oh, you don't have to spend your money. I got you. Let me get that for you. You know, you're like, oh my gosh, he's taking care of everything. That's so sweet. I've been out here working hard. I finally got somebody that can help me out. I love it. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, that's great. That's healthy, that's fine. But over time it become, they, they, they slowly start to pull away any independence that you may have. It may be, you know what, you don't even have to work. Let me take care of you.
Dawn Runyon:
I got you. You don't even have to work. Why that job's stressing you out like that. Let me help you take care of that. You don't have to work that job. And it's, it's speaking to that internal, you know, motivation. It's speaking into that, that internal need that we have to be cared for. And so it's slow and it's steady and it is a consistent pattern and behavior that's being applied. And eventually the woman starts to allow control of her day-to-day to go to someone else. Hmm. And once that person has established that kind of control in their life, if they are a person who is going to choose abuse, because we need to recognize that as well. When you're in a relationship with someone that's violent, they are choosing abuse, they're choosing to control. It's not something that just happens. And I don't know how that happened.
Dawn Runyon:
And, and we just got into a fight and I just lost control. No. That person is choosing to control and more than likely have that in mind from day one. Hmm. For their own self-gratification. They're not some evil. I don't believe that they're this, oh, I'm going to control this person. But it's more like I validate myself by being in control and I'm gonna control the things that I do and the people around me and whatever else mentality that that person may have. And so after you have relinquished enough of who you are as a person, you now feel dependent. You now feel that this person's taken care of me, so how can I refute what they say? And just about any, anything that they suggest or anything that they request from you, you now feel kind of obligated to give into. You feel that they've taken, you know, your own sense of, again, independence. And so it's like, well, what else do I do? It, it, it is a slow, steady amount of pressure and, and influence that's applied in a person's life that leads someone to a place where they're in a relationship with an abuser and they don't see a way out of that situation.
Melanie Day:
Wow. That, that's, that's heavy. That's, that's a lot. I'm processing. I'll have to re-listen to our conversation to process everything that you just said. But that is, that's very deep. You know, especially a lot of things you know, like they talk about trauma bonding or, you know, trauma, d n a, that that's passed on generational things. And one thing that gives me comfort is knowing, you know, like how we are created, you know, we're created in God's image and that he wants nothing but good things for us, right? Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. But also too, that whatever has caused us pain in our past or whatever, that is inherently passed down, you know, through our genes. He promised us to get rid of that. He says, you know, it won't come up. It won't even be mentioned in your memory again. And I find that fascinating because when you think about science, you know, we're, we're a new person almost every 90 days, right?
Melanie Day:
Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, you know, we have new blood that's going through our body. Our cells are constantly being rejuvenated. So to me, that's an affirmation that of what he says is the reality. Yes. You know, that's the reality as far as like the pain that I was caused in the past that would not, that's not gonna come up in my future because God says so. So what you just said, it made me, it made me think of that. But at the same time you know, we live in a here and now, so what can I do? What can friends and family do if they see someone struggling knowing that they're in a situation and they've, you've seen things. They, the victim themselves have told you things, but they keep going back and forth, back and forth. Like, what can be done? What kind of support can be provided?
Dawn Runyon:
Right. Great question. And I think that's the, that's the hangup. That that's the part that gets everybody like mm-hmm. <Affirmative>. But she keeps going back. I mean, I don't know. You know, sometimes we just get fed up, like, I'm tired of telling her to leave cuz she just keeps going back. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, what we wanna help people recognize and understand is it's not that simple. Right. And the survivor is the subject matter expert in that situation. They know how to survive. Mm-Hmm. And although they may tell you things that are going on in that relationship, they're probably giving you the tip of the iceberg as to what really is going on in that relationship. And they know or feel very strongly that if they leave, worse will happen. The abusers probably already told them that has already convinced them of it or proven it. Generally people who leave domestic violence relationships have attempted to leave at least seven times before they actually finally get away.
Dawn Runyon:
Wow. and those times before they got pulled back in for various reasons, are there children involved? Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> is that person the, the primary breadwinner? Does that, that, does the victim now have a, have a way to take care of themselves? There's so many. You know, I think we were at a conference recently, we're talking about, you know, most people are very familiar with Mav Lavs hierarchy of basic needs. Right. If a person's basic needs don't exist, it is extremely difficult to leave a, a relationship where those basic needs are being met. Even though there's abuse associated with it. It's no different than drug trying to leave drug addiction, trying to leave sex trafficking or sex work, trying to leave a job. I mean job, you know, some people are in jobs that are hostile and they're like, why do you still work there after 25 years?
Dawn Runyon:
Because it is providing the basic needs, and that's what a person needs in order to thrive and survive. So when you're talking with your loved one about leaving the relationship, there's so many factors that are behind why that person stays. And oftentimes the biggest one is just that they love the person. Yes. They love the abuser. They don't love the abuse. They do not want the abuse to continue. If you can convince my husband to stop hitting me, we will be great. Right. That is what they're thinking and that's what they want and desire more than anything. So, man, we can't fault and we can't, we can't hate a person for loving someone, even when that person mistreats them, because domestic violence doesn't happen all day long. Now the the heaviness of it, the idea of it is always there. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>, but there's always those periods where he's so sweet and he's so loving.
Dawn Runyon:
Oh my gosh. And we get along so well and he's a great provider to my kids. And we see those things and we try to separate it from the fact that he's abusing me and you fearing for your life. And your kids are aware of it, they see it. And sometimes we don't recognize that we think he's not abusing the kids. So everything's good. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, but your children are seeing, they understand. They know what's happening long term. So we gotta, you know, we gotta try to address that too. But there's just so many things. But as a family member, the best way we can help someone who is dealing with a domestic or who is living in a domestic violent home or home, where that is occurring is by supporting and loving them, being by their side, not giving up on them. Always letting them know that you are a safe space and that you will be willing to assist however you can if and when that person is ready to make the decision to leave.
Dawn Runyon:
Because if we don't feel like we have somewhere safe to go, we won't leave. Why am I gonna, you know, the devil, I know <laugh> is better than the one I don't know. When that person stepped into my life, 35 plus years ago, she involved my mother, and my mother reached out to me. And I had been ashamed to tell my mother what was going on because I didn't wanna hear. I told you so, yeah. You shouldn't have left. I tried to tell you, you know, all the things that I thought I would hear my mother said, why in the world would you think after I went through all that domestic violence in my life, why do you think I would stand by and allow you to go through the same thing? And I was just like, wow. You know, I, I I thought this is just what we do.
Dawn Runyon:
And you'd have been like, either it's your fault or you just gotta stick it out. That's what I thought the response would be. But she helped me get away from that situation. If I didn't feel like she was gonna be a safe space for me to go to, I would've stayed because at least I had food and shelter. At least I had a label that was something I was seeking. I wanted to belong to somebody. He made me his wife. I, I finally belonged. Right? I had all these hurts and pains coming to that point. So they're just, there's just so much underlying it. But as a family member supporting and loving that person through it, it's the best thing. You can't force them to leave. You can't say things like, you know, disparaging their partner isn't gonna help because basically you're applying coercion and control just like the abuser is now.
Dawn Runyon:
So we can't, you're not gonna offset domestic violence by a authoring, you know, or asserting your authority or, or trying to control the outcome. You've gotta show them a opposite way. And that's through love and support and encouragement, trying to provide resources, helping them create a plan to be able to leave when they feel safe. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative> getting in contact with agencies that support survivors that can help them develop a plan. Maybe applying, you know, that subtle and consistent reminder that if there's another way, let's find it. There, there there's something else we can do. You deserve better. You don't, you know, you don't deserve this treatment regardless of what you've done. Because I think a lot of survivors do, or victims feel like they are bringing it on themselves. There's a reason it's happening to them. They've made a wrong choice or they've made mistakes in their past or they're not capable enough or adequate enough. And, and all of those are lies that we learned through that abusive relationship or learned from that abuser. And as a supporter, we've just gotta help give a different message to them.
Melanie Day:
I love that. I love that. So, you know, me, I always like to end on a high, you know, a high level, high point. So support and love is what's needed and creating a safe space. So Dawn, thank you so much. Like, I'm, I'm tearing up, I don't know if you're tearing up, but I'm, I'm a little teary-eyed right now cuz you know, it was, it's, it's personal. I think for a lot of us we all have, you know, family and friends or even perhaps ourselves that are maybe going through a situation. And so just hearing these tips that are reaffirming different things that it's like, it's not us. You know, it's, it's not you, it's not me. It's, you know, it's the other person and what can we as friends and family do, but be a supportive love and be a safe space. So as far as safe spaces where are some places that you know of that are safe spaces that a person can go to when they feel like they need a place to go?
Dawn Runyon:
Sure. So right here in Lexington specifically, there is Greenhouse 17, which you mentioned, which is our domestic and sexual violence agency that provides shelter for those that are, are seeking that shelter, even if it's just temporary, even if it's just a, a couple of nights away in order to make a plan for the next phase. Right? I think people feel like I gotta move out and that's it. And then never walk back. But maybe you just need a moment so you can develop the plan for later. So greenhouse 17 is great. There's the Amanda Center, which is run by Kathy Sheriff Wit's office. So the sheriff office has Amanda Center. The both of those places have amazing advocates and helpline individuals that can, you know, that are available 24 7. So you can make the phone call and they don't have the number.
Dawn Runyon:
Don't ask me. I can get it to you and I'm sure you'll provide it. Yeah. But we can, you can get that assistance 24 7. The Nest is another great place for women and families. They have everything from daycare even to, to assist people who might be experiencing those situations. And they are just safe people to be able to connect with. And then my office with the Lexington city government the Domestic and Sexual Violence Prevention Coalition we can connect you with other resources. We have online tools with tons of resources. Even my Green Dot program. I give out cards that have various organizations on the backside that are supports and resources. I'm working to try and create some more safe spaces within church communities. And many of them, you know, already have those communities. But I think if people are looking it's, it would serve them well to be a part of a church where they feel they can ask that question, whether they're a victim or know of someone else.
Dawn Runyon:
Just like, you know, hey pastor, how would we address it if someone's dealing with that? And find out what kind of space is available for them in the church mentally and emotionally, and what kind of resources that they can provide to individuals in their community. And then there are a wealth of women and men throughout the city who are really strong advocates for ending domestic and sexual violence in our communities. And so I think as we're making connections with individuals looking for those new friendships, Hey, the, the great thing about social media is people got they life out there for you to see. Right?
Melanie Day:
See
Dawn Runyon:
What they're talking about. Who are they? I'm like, I wanna make friends with people who believe that way, who, who have healthy ideals on relationship. And I say that it's even for our youth as they're making, you know, they want everybody to be friends. Well, who are you? Who's your friend group? <Laugh>? Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>, do they they agree or disagree with the type of lifestyle or the type of relationship that you may be a part of? Find those supportive people a around you and then reach out to the resources that are available.
Melanie Day:
I love it. I love it. Thank you so much. This was much needed. And I'm sure this is not gonna be our, our last conversation cuz we are gonna, we're we're gonna get back together. I can, I can, I can feel it. We're gonna get back together for sure. <Laugh>
Dawn Runyon:
Awesome. There's so much more. Right? So thank you Yay for even providing this space with what you do. You are so well positioned to assist and help so many people. So thank you. You know, people will say, what does a hairstylist have to do with this? And you are so positioned in the best way to be able to help and support. That's one of my goals is to have salons and barbers in the city be green dot supporters because they will have those conversations firsthand and they can create a culture in their own establishment that will not allow for these crazy rates to violence to occur. So thank you so much.
Melanie Day:
You're welcome. You're welcome. Yes. So there you have it everyone. Like I said, this was a, a sensitive topic, but a much needed conversation talking about domestic violence, signs of abuse and abusive relationships. So Dawn, thank you so much for those of you all that are listening. In the show notes, I will have the resources posted that if you're local you could check them out. Even if you're not local, there are national networks that you can tap into, that you can text on your phone or you can go on your device, whichever anonymously. There's a lot of resources that are out there and as always, this is a benefit as being a part of our in Living curls hair care community. We are sharing and providing credible information and resources so that you can share with your friends and family and, and also be an advocate for those that may not have a voice. Be an advocate for the voiceless. So once again, Dawn, thank you. Have a beautiful day and we will connect soon.
Dawn Runyon:
Wonderful. Thank you so much.